Just Another Day at Castle Krackenburg
by chromgradulations
Summary: None of it was supposed to go like this, but Elise was stuck with burnt toast and a hungry iguana nonetheless. / Don't ask what Felicia was doing in the kitchen at three AM. We don't know. (Crackfic taken semi-seriously.)
1. Felicia's Questionable Hobbies

**this was inspired by beloved older sister on ao3. please read that, it is well worth it. brace yourself for ooc.**

* * *

None of it was supposed to go like this, but Elise was stuck with burnt toast and a hungry iguana nonetheless.

"Never fear, Lady Elise! I shall protect you!" Arthur yelled triumphantly as he body slammed the iguana. However, he missed the iguana, broke the table, and managed to _land with the toast in his mouth, choking on it. _

"_**NO!" **_Effie screamed, which was terrifying even without the fact that Effie never screamed. "_THAT WAS MY TOAST!" _She desperately performed the Heimlich Maneuver on Arthur, despite living in a universe where it hadn't been invented yet.

"Forgive me, dear Effie!" Arthur bolted upright even though he had appeared unconscious only seconds prior, knocking Effie backwards towards Elise and also somehow setting the table on fire. Elise's face was the very picture of disappointment in the world as Arthur started to dash after the iguana to avenge Effie, the table flaming in his wake.

* * *

_*record scratch*_

_*freeze frame*_

"_You're probably wondering how it all came to this._

"_It all began the night before Big Sister Camilla's birthday, when I awoke suddenly to a startling revelation."_

_*rewinds dramatically*_

* * *

"**IT'S BIG SISTER'S BIRTHDAY." **Elise screamed out of nowhere, flying out of bed. This, understandably, terrified her retainers. Arthur jumped so high that he nailed his head on the doorframe, coming down unconscious. Effie dropped one of the weights she'd been squatting with on Arthur's stomach, causing him to gasp and spasm once unconsciously. He then proceeded to go back to being normally unconscious.

"Bake her a cake, that's what I would do." The silver haired retainer turned to face Elise, her tone bizarrely nonchalant. "Or get 'er a medicine ball. Y'know."

The blond twin tailed girl nodded resolutely. "I know what I must do!" She bellowed, striking a pose she'd learned from Odin, one hand on her hip, the other extended into the air, palm up and fingers apart. She vanished into thin air. Effie did not look phased at this.

* * *

Elise materialized in the kitchen.

Felicia screamed so shrilly that an entire tea set exploded. The kitchen was extremely dark, lit only by a single candle. Felicia's vision was blurred by the headache caused by her own scream, and the candlelight that danced off of Elise's silk nightgown was _somehow_ warped enough that she looked like a demon of sorts. Felicia cowered in terror, deeply regretting her decision to hang out in the castle kitchen at three AM.

Don't ask what Felicia was doing in the kitchen at three AM. We don't know.

"FELICIA." Elise bellowed. Whether or not she actually sounded fearsome, or if Felicia was just blowing things out of proportion is up for debate. "WE MUST BAKE A CAKE."

"_Y-yes! _Of course!" Felicia whimpered. "P-please don't murder me…." She all but dumped out drawers onto the ground trying to find the correct supplies.

The room filled with a blinding light, and Elise disappeared, leaving a frantic Felicia alone to bake.

A terrible decision, really.

* * *

"BIG BROTHER." Elise appeared in Leo's private quarters.

"HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS GOOD IN THIS KINGDOM, ELISE, _WHAT THE CRAP." _Leo jumped from his bed, startled out of his mind. His headband had slid onto his face, his hair disheveled and sticking up at random. His pink satin pajamas, complete with embroidered kittens ("It's _laundry day." _He would insist when questioned about his… wardrobe choices), were rumpled, not to mention the pants were inside out.

"Hi, Big Bro!" Elise smiled innocently as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening. "Can you tell me where you can find iguanas?"

"Iguanas…? By the gods, Elise, it's three AM." Leo rubbed his temples impatiently. "I think you can find them in one of the babyrealms, but- _Oh, Elise, no! _Don't even _think_ about it!" He blurted in a panicked tone.

"Thanks, Big Bro, that's all I needed." Elise started to do her teleportation thing.

"_Elise! WHAT ABOUT XANDER'S-"_

* * *

Out in the hall, Kaze paused his patrol. _Xander's what?_ He wondered idly.


	2. The Iguana is Untrustworthy

"It all came to its peak when the darned thing took a fork to my mother." Xander lamented from where he lay on the therapy sofa.

Charlotte nodded. "Yes, I'm very sorry about what happened during your childhood, but I'm not a therapist, and it's the middle of the night, honey."

Xander squinted. "Yes, so you say…"

Charlotte looked around awkwardly. "So, uh, do I get to leave, or…?"

Xander didn't respond, because he was sleep. Sleeping people don't normally respond to questions.

* * *

Elise was on a mission. She materialized in her bedroom, an ornery iguana tucked under her arm. The twintailed princess tossed the lizard onto her bed. It stuck its weird little tongue out at her.

"Effie!" Elise called in a singsong voice. "Can you watch my iguana, please?

"Yup," Effie flexed her bicep. "I can do that."

"Thanks!" Elise warped again.

Effie squatted down to eye level with the iguana. "Looks like it's just me and you, little dude." She looked over her shoulder. "Oh, and Arthur. But he's unconscious right now, so I don't know if he really counts."

The iguana glared at Arthur.

* * *

On the bright side, the kitchen was now very well lit!

On the slightly-less-optimistic side, this was because the entire oven was on fire. To make matters worse better, the ground was littered with random silverware and broken bits of teacup. Felicia was bent over the counter, huddled around an unholy concoction vaguely resembling a sad cake, like if said cake was left outside in the rain for six hours and then dropped into a child's sandcastle, upsetting the child so much that he punched the cake three or four times.

Elise appeared in the midst of this disaster happy little accident. She peered at the cake.

"Oh," She gagged. "That, uh, smells really nice, Felicia. What is it?"

"I- I _don't know!"_ Felicia sobbed. "Some _demon_ just… APPEARED in here and ordered me to make it a cake, and I- I…" She sputtered.

Elise patted her on the shoulder. "That's rough. Why don't you do take a nap?"

Felicia nodded, and exited the flaming kitchen. Elise took a deep breath. Finally, some peace and quiet.

And then the door came flying off its hinges, crashing into the oven, bursting into flames. A highly disheveled Leo stood panting in its wake.

* * *

Yay, Chapter 2! Feel free to review, and have a great day. See y'all in the next update.


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